Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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