Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
