ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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