Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
