life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
