I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
