She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
