Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Randomize
