break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
