Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
