new low.... made out with someone while peeing
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
