Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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