the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I believe in your delicious
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
