Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
