If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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