I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Randomize