the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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