I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My pussy is not your playground.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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