Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
