Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
a search helicopter?!
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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