I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
