She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
