Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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