Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize