I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
