Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
