My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
