you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize