I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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