I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
