and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
