Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
