Fuck appropriateness.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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