remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
