Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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