PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize