Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
babies were throwing up all over the place
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
