Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
