I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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