Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
