Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
