I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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