I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
