I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
