haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
