I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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