I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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