John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Im part way to drunk.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
