I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Randomize