I love black thongs
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Dear god my vagina.
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