Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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