I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize