You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
