that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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