that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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