I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
