i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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