Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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