just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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