Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
