The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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