Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Randomize
