just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
